Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

all that yoga finally paid off

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.