I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
This was the best day of my life
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)