Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
some Old Testament wisdom
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.