ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
WWE is French for “yes”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous