What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
never deleting this app.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.