Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Day 2 of my diet
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
pep talk
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.