When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri