airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog