My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
.. do you even science?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.