Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
they split up moments later
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
accurate
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”