My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head