Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.