Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”