[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.