*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.