I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Every photo I’m tagged in
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up