My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.