A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
(2022)
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up