8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Here’s a meme
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing