Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?