Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You Might Also Like
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god