If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
How I’d get arrested…
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut