you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.