Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.