My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other