My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
You Might Also Like
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
bout dat hot dog summer
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The cashier just checked me out.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!