You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*