Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones