satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
What the dentist sees
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
it must be school picture day
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no