[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.