[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)






True embarrassment lies within your first email address


I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.


My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.


I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer


*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time


Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.