my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
where do you see yourself in five years?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.