I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
12. I think about this all the damn time
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]