Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…