If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
this is funnier than any friends episode
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.