Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.