Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

This kid is a star!

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.