Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.