*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.