I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
You Might Also Like
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
This is my favorite one of these!
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.