If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat