waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.