[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
back to work
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.