I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
You Might Also Like
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Home is where your toilet is.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”