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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The prophecy is fulfilled
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.