I’m giving up for Lent.
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Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
when there are deer in the woods
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”