ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him