Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”