Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars