[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.


Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now


I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.


Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope


School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever


My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.