@rockymomax

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

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@ScottyBondo

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@Skoog

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@samttaggart

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

@PetrickSara

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.