“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️