ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I was bored.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*