Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.