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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀